I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
