did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
jump out the window naked night went bad
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
