My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
