I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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