Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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