did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
