I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
