our cab driver is having phone sex.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Randomize
