Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
