I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
