They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
