Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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