highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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