Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
