the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
