I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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