As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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