I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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