Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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