I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
