Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
