She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
