i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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