it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
