He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
being pregnant is like rehab
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
