we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
