i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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