i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
