why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
