And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
