At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize