what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
