I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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