i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
