She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
