Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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