She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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