You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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