i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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