so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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