Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
