I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
