just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
