3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You smell like a Billy Joel song
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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