i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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