I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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