yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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