Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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