I smell stomach acid.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
