We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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