So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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