I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
it's great music for shaving your balls
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
