she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
