Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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