We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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