so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
True strength comes from lack of pants
FUCK WHALES
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
