I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
