I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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