I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
