My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
