I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
