I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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